Our Precious Bodily Fluids

If I hear about fluoride in conversation, then I know I’m in trouble. There’s just no good way for that discussion to end outside of a chemistry lab or a dental office. It’s like when you’re having a perfectly normal dialogue on a pleasant, sunny day and the other person stops, points to the sky, and says, “ah look, chemtrails!”

In case you’re not aware, there’s a conspiracy theory that the chemical fluoride causes people to become docile or something. The government supposedly puts it in the water to pacify the population. The reason I find this interesting is that it’s obviously not working, at least, not in that way. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have free thinking thought leaders with minds independent enough to gin up that kind of batshittery in America. We also wouldn’t have a problem with white supremacists.

The inspiration for this myth is, of course, the fact that fluoride is in the water. In the 1940s, municipalities started adding it as a public health measure to help prevent dental problems. And it worked! Want to know how I know that?

Because it used to be incredibly common to lose teeth.

As in pretty much everybody used to eventually lose a bunch of teeth. Fluoride reduces the incidence of tooth decay by like 35% in adults. It is a legitimate public health triumph that there is fluoride in municipal water. It’s a naturally occurring substance that’s harmless and helpful. It prevents a painful, expensive, dangerous condition. (Side note: infected teeth are no joke. Before I was born, a family member of mine actually died of a tooth abscess when the infection in his tooth spread into his blood. Do not wait on rotten teeth. They can do you in. And be happy that you grew up with fluoridated water, because that’s a big part of the reason why stories like that are so rare now.)

Anyway, people who fixate on fluoride follow a pattern that I see in a lot of conspiracy theorists: there are real things to be worried about where the threat is demonstrable by science (climate change! poverty! a sitting president whose military takeover of the nation was thwarted only by the fact that he’s an actual idiot!) but rather than turning their attention to real problems, these folks get upset about something that’s obviously harmless or even not real. Somehow the theorist alone is trustworthy – not doctors, the local and federal governments, their parents, their friends, the news, whatever. Why is one person without a chemistry degree better than the CDC? Well, there’s a great answer for that.

Because reality is really scary but a bogeyman is scary like a horror movie. He’s a freaky concept, and you can’t do anything about him except believe he’s there, but at the same time, he’s not going to cause you any measurable harm. Something real, like the systematic stripping of worker rights, feels too big to stop and 100% causes harm to everyone. Fixing it is going to be hard work and success is not guaranteed, and even if the good guys win you won’t live long enough to see it. The bogeyman, on the other hand, doesn’t need to be beaten because he does not, in fact, exist. You can believe in him safely.

Which one would YOU rather worry about?